Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman.... You know [how] you wake up and you've got that sick feeling in your stomach? You know what it is? It's tax time. ... Are you folks prepared for taxes? I am very proud of myself. I am very organized when it comes to record-keeping. As a matter of fact, I always ask my date for a receipt. And by the way, you cannot deduct this show as entertainment.

Jay Leno.... The United States announced a plan that will tighten all borders by 2008. Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007. .... Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show. .... Well, under the new [border-crossing] requirements...they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs. .... As you know, Prince Charles married his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowes, over the weekend. And it's a mixed marriage, did you know that? He's Episcopalian, and she's a Clydesdale. .... John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained from all those years of trying to go in two directions at the same time. .... The good news -- today he put in for another Purple Heart.