Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman... "Top Ways To Cheer Up George W. Bush": Fully loaded Tex-Mex fixins bar at every cabinet meeting; Use wacky sound effects for weekly radio addresses; Replace Oval Office bust of Theodore Roosevelt with bust of Kenny Rogers; Remind him it's only 6 weeks until "The Dukes of Hazzard" comes out on DVD; Speechwriters sprinkle in the occasional "You might be a redneck if..." joke; Two words: Free Gum; Get Air Force One pimped.

Jay Leno... They say Saddam is delusional. He still thinks he's president and gives speeches standing next to his bed at night. No, wait, that's Al Gore. ... [Saddam's] trial has begun. And Saddam's lawyers say they will accept any judge except Harriet Miers. They don't feel she is qualified. ... U.S. forces have captured Osama bin Laden's barber. I believe his name is Vidal Kaboom and his brother Infidel Sassoon. I believe they worked at a shop called Fanatical Sam's. ... As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls. ... Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced he planned to expel every illegal immigrant in the United States. Boy, more bad news for the New York Yankees. [And it] would reduce the population of Los Angeles to 142 people.