Late Night Funnies

David Letterman... "Top New President Bush Strategies for Victory in Iraq": Make an even larger "Mission Accomplished" sign; Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah; Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge; Launch slogan, "It's not Iraq, it's Weraq"; A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head; Boost morale by doing his hilarious "Locked Door" gag; Place Saddam back in power and tell him, "It's your problem now, dude."

Jay Leno... Saddam Hussien was back in court. They said that Hussein remained defiant and acted as if he was still in power. Kind of like the Democrats here. ... Only in America—even though [California Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham] stole $2.4 million he has agreed to pay back $1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other Congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took. ... President Bush was at the Mexican border recently. Apparently his poll numbers are so low, he was thinking of making a run for it. ... Right after he finished the speech the rebuttal was given by the Democrat leader—Barbra Streisand. ... Actually, the rebuttal was given by John Kerry. Then Kerry asked for more time to give a rebuttal to his own rebuttal. ... The U.S. Postal Service says they expect to handle twenty billion pieces of mail for the holidays. They'll only deliver about ten billion, but they'll handle twenty billion.