Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman: "Top Reasons Saddam Hussein's Chief Judge Resigned": Wants to spend more time with his goat; Unflattering courtroom sketches make him look chunky; Got a part in the hit reality show "Mustaching With The Stars"; Just named partner at the law firm Muhammad, Muhammad, Muhammad, and Weintraub; Lost faith in everything after finding out Oprah's book club is rigged; Courtroom reeks of beard dye and curry; Finally got clearance to open Iraq's first Jack in the Box franchise; I don't know, the daily death threats?

Jay Leno: Senator Ted Kennedy announced that he and his dog Splash are writing a children's book. Is Splash the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that a bit like Jack Abramoff naming his dog Bribe? ... Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden's question took 23 1/2 minutes. And Alito is smart. He's brilliant. Do you know what he said? "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?" ... Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious, after he pointed out that Alito once belonged to a club that didn't allow women, it was discovered that Senator Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn't allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women. ... Ted Kennedy questioned Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity in college he knows what he is talking about. ... As you know, Governor Schwarzenegger was caught riding around on his motorcycle without a motorcycle license. I just hope this doesn't encourage other people in California to drive without a proper license. You'd hate to see something like that catch on here.