Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman: "Top Reasons Dick Cheney Won't Resign": Turns out when you shoot somebody, if you're not vice president, you gotta do time; Bush leaves at two every day and then it's margaritas and Fritos; Set the solitaire high score on his office computer; Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under ten; Too hard to give up Vice Presidential Discount at DC area Sam Goody stores; Extra-zappy White House defibrillators; Undisclosed location has foosball; Why quit when things are going so well?

Jay Leno: According to a survey in the paper today, 10% of all workers had a drink on company time today to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Do you know what you call those employees? Airline pilots! ... Everybody drank at work. Not a good day to go in for lasik eye surgery. ... More bad news for President Bush—his approval rating has now dropped again. It's now down to 33%. The only way Bush's popularity could get any lower is if he got a show on NBC. ... Saddam Hussein took the witness stand for the first time in his trial. He spent most of his testimony ignoring all the evidence and insisting he was the real president of Iraq. Among legal experts, this is known as the Al Gore strategy.... According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything. ... If you're a Republican politician, you get wined and dined by oil companies, bankers, foreign investors. If you're a Democrat, you have to go to things like rallies for illegal migrant workers and meet with angry lesbians for animal rights. That's no fun.