Wednesday Funnies... :-)

David Letterman: "Top Little Known Facts About Dick Cheney": Has iPod pacemaker that keeps his heart beating to Aerosmith; Enjoys reading his grandson excerpts from shady defense contracts; First vice president since Mondale to take a leak in the Rose Garden; Has a daily 5 o'clock meeting with advisors Jim Beam and Jack Daniels; In 1994, underwent a failed sneer-reduction procedure; His undisclosed location is a Hooters in San Antonio; Loves the elderly—well, shooting at them; His approval rating is now lower than his number of heart attacks.

Jay Leno: President Bush met with the President of China at the White House. The President of China gave President Bush a traditional Chinese gift—a pirated bootleg copy of "Mission Impossible 3" two weeks before it comes out.... While in the United States the President of China plans to make the rounds at Wal-Mart stores. You know, doing inventory. ... Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House. ... As I'm sure you have heard, there have been resignations in Washington. Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigned. People at the White House are dropping faster than old guys hunting with Dick Cheney. ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said we're making progress and we're very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals. ... To counteract all the bad publicity they've been getting, the oil companies plan to introduce full-page ads explaining where your gas dollar goes. Before you explain that, explain where you get gas for a dollar. There's no such thing as a 'gas dollar.' It's your gas five dollar.