Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: "Top Signs The Government Is Spying On You": Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping; Your houseplant occasionally sneezes; Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street; Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out; You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video"; Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record"; Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room; Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico."

Jay Leno: The Pentagon announced that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize that San Diego's border is only 20% under control. ... President Bush went to the border in Arizona. White House Spokesman Tony Snow said it was not a photo opportunity. Apparently Bush was just looking for some guys to do some landscaping around the White House. ... The Senate voted 63-34 to make English the official language of the United States. They say it's a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know like the congressional ethics bill. ... When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, "Si." ... A realtor in Ogden, Utah inspecting a townhouse found 70,000 empty beer cans left behind by the former tenant. I didn't know the Kennedy's had a place in Utah. ... Here's a shocking statistic—One in 136 Americans are currently behind bars. A more shocking statistic, one in three Kennedys are currently in a bar. ... Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking "60/40." Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the Weather Channel.