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Rabid Pundit Could Destroy Entire Korean Peninsula, U.N. Warns
The Borowitz Report
In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il’s plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the United States today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea.
President George W. Bush announced the plan to weaponize Ms. Coulter in a nationally televised address.
“If North Korea intends to test the most deadly weapon in its arsenal, we will have no alternative but to use the most deadly weapon in ours,” Mr. Bush said. “And that weapon is Ann Coulter.”
Mr. Bush did not indicate how and when Ms. Coulter would be fired towards Pyongyang, but most military experts believe that she has already been loaded onto a nuclear submarine and could be launched at any moment.
At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Ms. Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon.
Fears abound that if Ms. Coulter were fired towards Pyongyang, she would spew noxious fumes that could lay waste to the entire Korean peninsula and might even destroy Japan and parts of China.
A spokesperson for Ms. Coulter today acknowledged that her client had the power to destroy large areas of Asia, but said that she was “stoked” about the mission.
“If destroying Asia will help Ann sell more books, she’s up for it,” the spokesperson said.