Wednesday Funnies :-)
David Letterman: Top Mel Gibson Excuses": Did I say Jews? I meant Scientologists; Food poisoning from a bad knish; Uhh, hello? I'm famous; Shouldn't have been drinking with Hasselhoff; Any press is good press; I refer all questions to my Jew attorney; Tired of Britney Spears getting all the "crazy celebrity" attention; Oh like you've never gotten drunk and accidentally said, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world"?
Jay Leno: As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoos, make-up or hair spray allowed in carry-on bags. Who's attacking us? Drag queens? ... They also said men cannot carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? ... On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. ... The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan." Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. ... See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan." Why did they have to bring Satan's mother into this? You can't blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I'm sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. ... Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won't fly Southwest. It's just too cramped. There's no legroom. ... British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that The New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet. ... Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." ... In fact, the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That's beyond crude. That's obscene. ... To give you an idea how expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.
Jay Leno: As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoos, make-up or hair spray allowed in carry-on bags. Who's attacking us? Drag queens? ... They also said men cannot carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? ... On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. ... The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan." Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. ... See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan." Why did they have to bring Satan's mother into this? You can't blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I'm sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. ... Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won't fly Southwest. It's just too cramped. There's no legroom. ... British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that The New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet. ... Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." ... In fact, the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That's beyond crude. That's obscene. ... To give you an idea how expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.
posted by Andy W. Rogers | 5:40 PM
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