Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Voting for Schwarzenegger”: “Do I feel comfortable having a governor who oils his chest?”; “Have I thoroughly considered Stallone, Van Damme and Seagal?”; “Is ‘Come on, it’ll be funny’ a good reason to vote for someone?”; “Has he done enough to make California a laughingstock?”; “Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago?”; “What would Predator do?”; “Have I lost my mind?”

Jay Leno: The Army has changed their slogan from “Army of One” to “Army: Strong.” Other countries are doing it too. India did it. Their new slogan: “We fix more computers before 9 AM than you do all day.” Switzerland has a new slogan: “We are ready... with a knife, a little scissors, a tiny corkscrew and a nail file.” Morocco has a new slogan: “Less talk, More rocco!” Luxemburg: “An Army of One. Literally. His name is Pierre.” And Cuba, “Invading America one raft at a time.” ... There are now 300 million people in the United States. That either means we are a strong democracy or we have a poor border patrol. ... Dictator Kim Jung Il is ecstatic since setting off North Korea’s first atomic bomb. They say he’s walking around like he’s five feet tall! ... He is a strange looking guy. He’s little, he’s got the big pompadour. Looks like Wayne Newton and William Hung had a kid! ... Florida Congressman Mark Foley has completed one week of his rehab. He has gone seven days without a page. ... [Yesterday was] Halloween. At Dick Cheney’s house instead of giving kids candy, he waterboards them until they give up their candy. ... You want to scare Hillary Clinton? Here’s what you do—you knock on her door dressed as Barack Obama and yell, “I’m running!”