Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Ways George W. Bush is Celebrating President’s Day”: Same as every year—watching Maury then going outside to hunt squirrels; Spent morning hiding eggs on White House lawn; Videotaped himself playing “Stairway to Heaven” on guitar, put it on YouTube; Nothing—Air Force One is stuck on the runway behind a JetBlue plane; Planning his 2008 re-election campaign.

“Top JetBlue Excuses”: 10-hour delay? Hey, that’s actually pretty good for us; It could have been worse... No, wait, it couldn’t; We don’t have an excuse right now, but sit here for ten hours while we come up with one; You gotta admit, after six hours it became a little funny; There was a monster on the wing!!!; Pilots too drunk to fly.

Jay Leno: [Monday was] Presidents’ Day—or for those of you in California, el Presidente Day! ... Al Gore will be speaking at this year’s Democratic Convention—or as we call it, the Oscars. ... When Al Gore presented the “Best Album” award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20 percent hotter than they were 20 years ago. ... In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president—and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. ... Al-Qa’ida released another video tape from their number-two man. This one had a shocking revelation: “The great Satan will soon taste unspeakable suffering from our hands. Oh, and by the way, I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.” ... The number one movie at the box office is “Norbit,” where Eddie Murphy plays a huge fat woman. Or as Bill Clinton calls it, “Dreamgirls.” ... The FAA is very close to raising the retirement age of pilots. That means pretty soon both astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers. ... Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves. So typical!