Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Things Overheard At Osama bin Laden’s 50th Birthday Party”: “Who’s up for ‘Pin the turban on the bind Sheik?”’; “Death to these novelty candles that light again after you blow them out!”; “Mullah Omar’s running late—he forgot to change his clocks”; “To fool United States Special Forces, we had the bakery personalize the cake ‘Happy Birthday Debbie”’; “For he’s a jolly good fellow, which the infidels will deny”; “I hope you don’t already have season one of ‘Who’s The Boss?’ on DVD”; “No cake for Osama—he’s ballooned to 102 pounds!”

Jay Leno: President Bush is back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened his eyes. He said, “It’s amazing. We thought we had a lot of illegal aliens here. They’re all over the place down there!” ... According to a recent poll, anti-American sentiment is running high in Mexico. Half of Mexico’s population say they have a negative view of the United States and the other half are already here. ... It’s chilly here [in L.A.]. But it’s terrible weather back East. Another massive snowstorm has hit the Northeast. Or, as environmentalists call it, a “temporary global warming hiatus.” ... An elite military unit made up of Native American Indians is now being used to track down terrorists in the Middle East, including Osama bin Laden. They’re over in Afghanistan right now. They haven’t found bin Laden yet, but they did open 13 casinos. ... Al-Qa’ida’s number three man, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, has confessed to being the mastermind behind September 11, and said he planned 29 other attacks, including to kill Bill Clinton. To which Hillary Clinton said, “You too?” ... In a speech in Iowa, Barack Obama described John Edwards as cute and good looking. How does this make Hillary feel? ... You know what’s interesting about this election? Several of the candidates are men who have been divorced more than once. See, we have to expect this from politicians now. It’s not like the old days when a politician would stay married to the same woman his entire life—you know, like Bill and Hillary. ... Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. You know what that means: Bill must be dating again.