Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Signs It’s Spring In New York City”: Tourists are getting mugged for their decongestant; The subways smell like urine and Starbucks iced coffee; Instead of convenience stores, thieves are sticking up Jamba Juice; Rosie O’Donnell has started a feud with her allergist; Katie Couric is doing the news in a tank top and hot pants; Donald Trump’s hair has begun to bloom; Stranded JetBlue passengers are on the tarmac in lawn chairs.

Jay Leno: I love when they say this [attorney firing business] is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven’t used the Constitution in years. ... It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming. ... Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf. ... Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, the whole planet except Florida. He’s still a little upset. ... Hillary and Bill Clinton appeared together at a fundraiser in New York last weekend. They’re appearing together again this weekend. Bill wants to be there to support her campaign. She wants Bill there because it’s Spring Break. ... Former presidential candidate Tom Vilsack says he’s now officially endorsing Hillary Clinton. Well, that should put her over the top! Unless, of course, Walter Mondale comes out for Dennis Kucinich—then it’s wide open again. ... According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers. ... There was a big scare at the John Edwards campaign headquarters. It was evacuated after a staff member opened an envelope containing white powder. Turns out it was just some of John Edwards’ age-defying make-up base. ... I guess in Al Gore’s office they found some white powder too. But that was just from his powdered doughnuts.