Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying The Pope’s Used Car”: Will I be able to see through the stained glass windshield?; Can I keep the vanity license plate, “Holydude”?; Will he throw in the Creedence tapes in the glove compartment?; Should I get something cheaper like Billy Graham’s old Jeep Wagoneer?; Will it upset my Jewish friends?; When’s the last time he washed this thing, the Reformation?

Jay Leno: Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours. ... Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was the punishment. ... Iranian President Mahmud I’m-A-Nut-Job released those 15 British captives after they were held hostage for 13 days. Iran was worried that if they didn’t act soon, Nancy Pelosi would go over and talk to them too. ... Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates say they will not participate in a presidential debate next month because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you’re afraid of Fox News? ... The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It’s a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money John Kerry is now hitting on her. ... Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause sleep driving. It can cause people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, “See? ... Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes to get it right.

Conan O’Brien: “President Bush was in Arizona inspecting an unmanned plane that’s used to patrol the border. At least the plane was supposed to be unmanned—turns out they found six Mexicans inside.”