Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Signs Fidel Castro Is Fully Recovered”: Every morning, 45 minutes of torture followed by 45 minutes of cardio; His coat is shiny and his nose is wet; Organized six guerillas to rob Mick Jagger’s apartment; His 1959 Chrysler Imperial was spotted at IHOP; In NFL draft, was picked before Brady Quinn; Recently pimped out his MySpace; Returned to favorite hobbies of his youth, like tennis and kidnapping; He’s put on 30 pounds, he’s wearing fatigues, he’s spewing propaganda—no, that’s Rosie O’Donnell.

Jay Leno: Congratulations to Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani—he celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday, if I’m not mistaken. ... Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That’s every wife’s dream, isn’t it? To put words in your husband’s mouth, and get paid for it. ... In a related story, President Bush gives his wife, Laura, $5,000 a month to teach him how to pronounce some of the bigger words in his speeches. ... President Bush was caught driving his truck without a seatbelt on at his ranch, but that’s not even the dangerous part, the dangerous part is Dick Cheney was riding shotgun. ... It’s starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. A new book out by veteran Democratic strategist Robert Shrum claims when asked about gay rights, John Edwards said he was “not comfortable around those people.” Do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get his hair styled not like gay people? ... The third largest company for daily oil production is in Mexico. See, this is how we break this immigration deadlock—make everyone sneaking across the border carry just one barrel of oil. ... Opponents of the immigration bill are asking people to call their congressman and complain. Remember, if you do call, press ‘1’ for English, ‘2’ for Spanish.