Wednesday Funnies... :-)
Conan O’Brien: “Hillary Clinton has launched a new website where people can get all the latest Hillary news. In a related story, John Edwards has launched a new website where people can order his secret blend of shampoos and conditioners.”
David Letterman: “Top Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney”: Name is short for “Mitzi”; Starts each day by wrasslin’ a gator; Made his fortune selling counterfeit Prada handbags; Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney; Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title; Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants; Would be the first Mitt in the White House since Mitt Quincy Adams.
Jay Leno: All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely. ... According to a new poll, Hillary’s lead in the polls is due to her support by women. She’s bringing in the female vote. And Bill is attracting “the other woman” vote. ... Here’s the latest in the John Edwards campaign. It turns out, yes, there are two Americas and neither one of them is voting for him. ... A judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. ... There’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India. ... Actually, two thirds of it has been fixed, although the system that controls oxygen manufacture had been down for two days. And you know what happens when astronauts don’t get enough oxygen? They drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap other astronauts. ... According to a new study 30 percent of Cubans are overweight. The other 70 percent are still in Cuba.... Dan Rather came out swinging this week. He said that CBS and Katie Couric are tarting up the news. Tarting up the news? As opposed to Dan, who just made up the news.
David Letterman: “Top Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney”: Name is short for “Mitzi”; Starts each day by wrasslin’ a gator; Made his fortune selling counterfeit Prada handbags; Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney; Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title; Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants; Would be the first Mitt in the White House since Mitt Quincy Adams.
Jay Leno: All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely. ... According to a new poll, Hillary’s lead in the polls is due to her support by women. She’s bringing in the female vote. And Bill is attracting “the other woman” vote. ... Here’s the latest in the John Edwards campaign. It turns out, yes, there are two Americas and neither one of them is voting for him. ... A judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. ... There’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India. ... Actually, two thirds of it has been fixed, although the system that controls oxygen manufacture had been down for two days. And you know what happens when astronauts don’t get enough oxygen? They drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap other astronauts. ... According to a new study 30 percent of Cubans are overweight. The other 70 percent are still in Cuba.... Dan Rather came out swinging this week. He said that CBS and Katie Couric are tarting up the news. Tarting up the news? As opposed to Dan, who just made up the news.
posted by Andy W. Rogers | 7:51 PM
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