Capitalism, the Liberal Way

Courtesy of Rush Limbaugh:

1. Put Profits Last. Businesses should never be in business to make a profit, but to “serve the public good.”

2. Put Taxes First. The mission of business is to fund government. The good company never avoids paying the highest taxes.

3. Put Competition Aside. Attempting to gain market share is bad. It causes competitors to suffer, and suffering is bad.

4. Fund Employee Retirement. It is the responsibility of corporate America – not of the citizens themselves – to fund citizens’ retirement dreams…no matter how expensive.

5. Fund Health Care. Companies are responsible for funding all health care – including birth control, sex-change operations, and any New Age treatments that come down the pike.

6. Fund Day Care. The children of employees are the responsibility of the corporation. Parents will be less stressed if their children are looked after with corporate dollars.

7. Fund Time Off. In addition to vacation, sick time, and personal days, employees deserve three months off for “Family and Medical Leave.” The corporation must understand the needs of employees, and give them their jobs back when they return.

8. Fund Living Wage. No one should have to work for less money than he or she wants.

9. Fund Dysfunction. If an employee is crazy or has an addiction to substance or lifestyle choice: including drugs, alcohol, and sex, it is the responsibility of the corporation to restore that employee to robust mental health.

10. Provide Security. It is unacceptable to terminate any employee, even if a job function is no longer needed by the corporation or can be done cheaper elsewhere. Responsible corporations must retain useless employees. Forever.

11. Save The World. Corporate responsibility requires support for whatever cause is deemed by the left to be necessary to save the world. This includes but is not limited to “social justice,” “tolerance,” state-sponsored discrimination (affirmative action), AIDS, and, of course, the environment.

12. Conduct Business. If you have time. But make sure you don’t make any money.