Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman... "Top Things Columbus Would Say About America If He Were Alive Today": I discovered the New World, but who discovered these delicious Cinnabons?; Hey, my fo'shizzle thing finally caught on; Flu outbreaks, political chaos, vermin—this place hasn't changed a bit; It's humbling to realize that because of me Americans are getting 20% off on a mattress; How did you come to choose the leader you call "Oprah"?; It's nice to see Cher is still around; The finest chefs in Italy can't compare to Olive Garden; I discovered the continent and the only thing named after me is a city in Ohio?

Jay Leno... Columbus did not originally set out to discover America. He was looking for a quicker route to India. Do you know why he was trying to get to India? He was trying to get the King of Spain's computer fixed. ... President Bush is out defending his Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. He said that Miers has a good heart. Well sure, compared to Dick Cheney. ... President Bush tried to assure conservatives that Harriet Miers was the best choice for the Supreme Court. Bush said "Twenty years from now she'll be the same person she is today." Really? Twenty years ago she was a Democrat and Catholic. ... Harriet Miers issued a statement today saying that she is getting closer and closer to having an opinion on something. ... Al Gore gave a speech claiming that American democracy is in grave danger. And then Tipper Gore said, "Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat."