Wednesday Funnies...

David Letterman... "Top Signs There's Global Warming": I just bought ocean front property in Topeka, Kansas; Glaciers are receding faster than Letterman's hairline; "Cool Ranch" Doritos really "Lukewarm Ranch" Doritos; Ed Sullivan Theater is now a balmy 48 degrees; No shirt, no shoes? You still get service; Average temperatures have risen one degree over the last one hundred years—One degree! That's what this is all about?!

Jay Leno... It's TGIF. Do you know what that means? Thanksgiving is finished. ... Did anyone have one of these turduckens? Do you know about these? It's a turkey stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a chicken. That pretty much sounds like the bird flu trifecta! ... The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has a new slogan, "Incoming!" ... You probably heard this story—the M&M balloon in the Macy's parade struck a light post and was punctured, injuring some spectators. That's when you know you're in New York—even the balloons are mugging people. ... Al Gore said [recently] that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much. ... According to the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terror suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. You know what you call a football stadium filled with terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders' games. ... Yellowstone National Park officials say the elk population has mysteriously dropped from 17,000 to 8,000 starting the very day they reintroduced wolves back into the park. What's the mystery there? Fat lazy elk and mean hungry wolves—what could possibly go wrong? ... John Kerry has been picked for jury duty. He was elected foreman. Well, after two weeks of campaigning and spending $12 million of his wife's money, he got it! ... Imagine John Kerry on [a] jury? How long are those deliberations going to take? I voted guilty before I voted not guilty.