Late Night Funnies

From the Federalist Patriot:

David Letterman... "Top Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa": Fluffy white beard is heavily soiled with chaw stains; Lectures each child on the wonders of Scientology; There's always two or three elves on defibrillator duty; Tries to snort the fake snow; The suit is more orange and reads "Auburn Correctional Facility"; Every night he walks out with a sack full of Ipods; Instead of saying, "ho, ho, ho," keeps mumbling something about "Jihad"; Tells every kid climbing on his lap, "Careful of Santa's flask"; Because of earlier incident, can't go within 50 feet of Victoria's Secret salesgirl.

Jay Leno... The President of Pakistan has announced that they have killed a top al-Qa'ida leader. On the news they said that this leader ranked somewhere between the number three and the number five man. I'm going out on a limb here—wouldn't that make him the number four guy? ... The White House announced they sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards this year. When Bill Clinton was president, he sent out twice that number of cards. Of course, that was for Valentine's Day. ... Howard Dean said that we can't win in Iraq. And if anybody knows about not winning, it's the Democrats. ... Saddam was in court and he said he was not afraid to die. Which is why we found him hiding in a spider hole. ... Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The Amazing Race Card." ... The big controversy this year is about calling Christmas trees holiday trees and trying to take religion out of the holidays. I was watching one of these cable news shows about this and they had on an atheist who said they were against "organized" religion. And while they were talking, they had on the screen the name of the atheist organization. So they were against organized religion but organized atheism is apparently ok... Remember when you used to tie the Christmas tree to the top of your car and drive home? Now our SUV's are so big, the trees fit inside. The new Cadillac Escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder on the dash.