Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman: "Top Surprising Facts About Osama Bin Laden": Plans to release next threatening videotape in high-definition; Secretly likes Kosher pickles; Middle name: Duane; Stole "Death to America" catchphrase from Fran Tarkenton; Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he can listen to Howard Stern; Has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry"; The son-of-a-b**** is still alive!

Jay Leno: President Bush gave his State of The Union address. He...[repeated] several universal truths; all people deserve to be free, democracy is good, and the most important truth—never lie to Oprah! ... Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. Or as they call him in Washington, the Fresh Prince of Intensive Care. That's his rap name. ... Hillary Clinton called President Bush's eavesdropping explanations "strange" and "far-fetched." And if anyone has heard strange far-fetched explanations from a president, it's Hillary Clinton. She knows what she is talking about. ... Exxon recorded record profits for 2005—over $36 billion dollars in profits. I'm as shocked as you are. Who would have thought they would have benefited from selling gas for three dollars a gallon? ... At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would... still lose. ... Al Gore is writing his second book on global warming. It's called, "The Earth is Warming, My Career is Cooling."