Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman: "Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses": Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm; Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page; Not enough Jim Beam; Trying to stop the spread of bird flu; I love to shoot people; I thought the guy was trying to go "gay cowboy" on me; Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?; Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly.

Jay Leno: Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, 78-year-old lawyer [Harry Whittington]. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent. ... When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy! ... Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there. ... Hillary Clinton blasted President Bush for not catching Osama bin Laden. Is she in a position to criticize? She couldn't even catch Bill Clinton, and they were in the same room. ... And everyone is talking about the three carat diamond ring Hillary is wearing that Bill gave her. Well he didn't actually give it to her. She found it near the nightstand. "It's a gift. I was wrapping it...it's for you." ... They added a new [Olympic] event this year called the Danish freestyle—five cartoonists skate as fast as they can away from an angry mob. ... I feel bad for Marmaduke. He's a cartoon and a Great Dane! He's in double-danger. ... "American Idol" actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a good job of lip syncing.