Thursday Funnies...

David Letterman: "Top H&R Block Excuses": Instead of CPA training, employees got CPR training; Forgot to carry the one 32 million times; For years we've been secretly funding Hamas; H was out sick that day and R was on jury duty; We were using Martha Stewart's guy; Were testing the world's first accounting monkey; Come on, it's a couple of dollars. It's not like we shot a guy in the face...; Hard to stay focused when you've been drinking since April 16th; Thirty-two million dollars?! We lose that much on a good day.

Jay Leno: People are always saying we can't find bin Laden. You know where I think he is? I think he's working in the basement of the White House. ... Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he's not sure if he'll ever go hunting again. Well, if he does decide to go hunting again, good luck finding someone to go with. ... The word from Fox News is that Prince Abdullah of Bahrain has thrown Michael Jackson out of his palace. Michael Jackson is now homeless in Bahrain. That's pretty dangerous isn't it, for a cartoon character to be walking around in a Muslim county. That's not good right now. ... Now that the Olympics are over NBC is in big trouble. Now we have to go back to regular programming—"Book of Daniel 2." ... On Wednesday President Bush will fly to India. See, last week he met with American workers. This week he will go to India and visit their old jobs. ... Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. Now what could go wrong here?