Thursday Funnies... :-)

David Letterman: Top Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun": "Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work"; "As President of the United States, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunians!"; "Couldn't we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's?"; "Cozumel? Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State?"; "When do I get to meet Zorro?"; "I'll have a non-alcoholic pina colada...just kidding. Juice me up, Pepe!"; "Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad."

Jay Leno: According to the latest statistics there are now eleven million illegal immigrants in the United States. Here's the part that surprised me, over half of them are on the Yankee pitching staff. ... President Bush [was] down in Mexico [last week]. He stepped off Air Force One, looked around and said, "Wow, you've got a big problem with Mexican immigrants down here too!" ... While President Bush was down there he spoke about the immigration problem. To give you an idea how out of hand our immigration policy is there were 800 more people on the plane coming home than when he flew over there. ... In France, rioters looted stores. Actually to be politically correct you cannot call them looters anymore. You now have to call them "undocumented shoppers." ... Gas prices continue to go up—$3.10 a gallon today. In fact, you know those 500,000 people who were marching in downtown L.A.? Turns out they weren't protesting, they were commuting! Just trying to get to work. ... The cover story of this week's Time magazine is about global warming. It's pretty frightening story. They say if current warming trends continue, by the year 2015, Hillary Clinton may actually thaw out. ... [Time says] global warming is 33% worse than we thought. Which means that Al Gore is one third more annoying than we thought. ... Al Gore turned 58-years-old over the weekend. His party was so boring that everyone left before they sang him Happy Birthday.