From Steve's 'More Pandering' post from Tuesday:
I'm tired of playing defense. Let's hear your brilliant suggestions for solving the immigration problem, Strother. I mean you have no lack of negative opinions on the participation of those who are actually in the debate, you surely must have your own ideas on what to do. Let's hear them.
Okay, but I don't know about 'brilliant,' though. Luckily for me, you were being sarcastic. But you asked for it, so here goes:
If I were King of the United States, here would be a few of my decrees regarding our immigration problem. Please keep in mind that I am an entertainment industry writer, not a poly-sci expert or constitutional scholar. My backstory is that I became the king by rocking the nation — something like Jack Black would do in one of his films. Use your imagination. I have no idea how these decrees would be written up, BTW. Some member of my court would handle those minor details.
-The kingdom will make every effort to secure its borders. This will include increased border control, sophisticated new border surveillance equipment, and more physical barriers along its borders.
-If you're here and an illegal immigrant, consider yourself lucky. But you better get to work. Illegal immigrants over the age of 18 must produce proof of employment signed by their employer to the US government within four weeks of the implementation of this decree. Exceptions will only be made for mothers of children under the age of 5. Why 5? Because I'm the king and I said so.
-Employers of illegal immigrants must register all undocumented workers with the US government in the same amount of time.
-Both illegal immigrant employees and their employers must re-register and/or update this information every four weeks.
-If you are an illegal immigrant under the age of 18, you must be here in the US under the supervision of a parent or guardian who is working. You must also attend school or work.
-All illegal immigrants who participate in this program will wait their turn to apply for US citizenship. If they don't want to become US citizens, then they must stay employed to avoid deportation.
-The additional bureaucracy and increased law enforcement that this will necessitate will be exclusively paid for via revenue from taxes imposed on those employers who continue to employ illegal immigrants and the working illegals themselves. These new taxes will be in addition to their fair share of federal taxes. While working in the US, illegals will gain no social security or other such federal government-sponsored benefits.
-Ignoring my decrees can result in fines, prosecution, jail time, and/or deportation.
-I realize that there are a few potential loopholes in my decrees. Pointing those out can result in fines, prosecution, jail time, and/or deportation.
But all of these decrees are better than the idea of mass deportation, which would most likely result in civil war-like uprisings in border state cities such as Los Angeles.
Either that, or I'd simply inform the Duke of Texas, Duke of New Mexico, Duke of Arizona, and Duke of California that it's their problem and I'll tax them for the inconvenience their porous external borders have caused the kingdom.
In all seriousness, though, taking away all the appeal of illegally entering the United States to work is really the only solution to this problem. To minimize illegal immigration, we must make living here unattractive to foreign workers with no visa and employing illegals uncomfortable for employers.