Thursday Funnies :-)
David Letterman: "Top Other Changes In The United States Army": Instead of "Sir," commanding officers may be addressed as "Dude"; Foxholes will be even "Foxy-er"; Cumbersome kevlar helmet replaced with more comfortable panama hat; Soldiers receive furloughs to see Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Casino; Due to funding cuts, private first class reduced to private business class; New feel-good drill sergeants demand, "Drop and give me one!"
Jay Leno: It turns out al-Qa'ida had a plot to put poisonous gas in the New York City subway system and then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would have noticed? New Yorkers would have been like, "Is that Febreeze?" ... Mexico is having its presidential election on July 2nd. You know, it's the only presidential election where every ballot is an absentee ballot. ... North Korea wants the United States to know they're about to test a long-range missile that they say may eventually have the capability of reaching the United States. Ooohhh. Since we're exchanging knowledge here, it may be good for them to know we have a few thousand missiles that can reach North Korea in about an hour. In fact, if Kim Jong ordered a pizza, our missile would get there first. ... Last Tuesday was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. He handed in a letter of resignation—which later turned out to be a forgery. ... Is it me or has Al Gore put on a little weight? I think that's because of global warming, too. Al feels he has to eat all the ice cream before it melts. ... The U.S. soccer team is out of the World Cup after a 2-1 loss to Ghana. And today, an angry John Kerry demanded we pull all our soccer players out of Germany. ... Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking. ... The flooding was so bad in Washington, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president to say, "You're on your own pal!" ... They also had flooding at the Internal Revenue Service and had to close that down. They said some records may have been lost. Good.
Jay Leno: It turns out al-Qa'ida had a plot to put poisonous gas in the New York City subway system and then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would have noticed? New Yorkers would have been like, "Is that Febreeze?" ... Mexico is having its presidential election on July 2nd. You know, it's the only presidential election where every ballot is an absentee ballot. ... North Korea wants the United States to know they're about to test a long-range missile that they say may eventually have the capability of reaching the United States. Ooohhh. Since we're exchanging knowledge here, it may be good for them to know we have a few thousand missiles that can reach North Korea in about an hour. In fact, if Kim Jong ordered a pizza, our missile would get there first. ... Last Tuesday was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. He handed in a letter of resignation—which later turned out to be a forgery. ... Is it me or has Al Gore put on a little weight? I think that's because of global warming, too. Al feels he has to eat all the ice cream before it melts. ... The U.S. soccer team is out of the World Cup after a 2-1 loss to Ghana. And today, an angry John Kerry demanded we pull all our soccer players out of Germany. ... Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking. ... The flooding was so bad in Washington, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president to say, "You're on your own pal!" ... They also had flooding at the Internal Revenue Service and had to close that down. They said some records may have been lost. Good.
posted by Andy W. Rogers | 6:17 PM
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