Wednesday Funnies :-)
David Letterman: "Top Signs There's Trouble at The New York Times": Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians; Pages 2 through 20 are corrections of previous edition; Every sentence begins, "So, like"; TV listings only for Zorro; Weather forecast reads "Look outside, dumbass"; Multiple references to "President Gore"; Obituary includes list of people they wish were dead; Headlines fold over to create surprise Mad magazine-type hidden message; Restaurant critic recently gave IHOP four stars.
Jay Leno: President Bush says he's personally working on a solution to global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle. ... White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said when President Bush was told that he was recorded saying a four letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off. Which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everyone else does. ... Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war—I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip. ... More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble—when they start asking our advice on border security. ... We have 25,000 English-speaking people in Lebanon. That's more than there are in L.A. ... Democratic Congressman Lincoln Davis from Tennessee said that we should outlaw adultery and make it a felony. You know what you call a Democrat who comes out against adultery? A Republican. ... And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded it is going to be now? ... John Kerry said today that if he were president the current conflict in the Middle East wouldn't be happening. And then his wife Teresa said, "Yes dear, I know. Now will you take the garbage out?"
Jay Leno: President Bush says he's personally working on a solution to global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle. ... White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said when President Bush was told that he was recorded saying a four letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off. Which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everyone else does. ... Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war—I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip. ... More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble—when they start asking our advice on border security. ... We have 25,000 English-speaking people in Lebanon. That's more than there are in L.A. ... Democratic Congressman Lincoln Davis from Tennessee said that we should outlaw adultery and make it a felony. You know what you call a Democrat who comes out against adultery? A Republican. ... And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded it is going to be now? ... John Kerry said today that if he were president the current conflict in the Middle East wouldn't be happening. And then his wife Teresa said, "Yes dear, I know. Now will you take the garbage out?"
posted by Andy W. Rogers | 5:26 PM
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