Wednesday Funnies :-)
David Letterman: "Top Dumb Guy Ideas for Lowering Gas Prices": Make all roads downhill; Cheaper self-service price if you pump the oil and refine it yourself; Gas comes from dinosaurs, so all we need are more dinosaurs; Give Cheney a sawed-off shotgun and have him stick up an Exxon; Get President Bush and the Middle East to straighten everything out on Oprah; Jet packs for everyone; Gas only costs 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela; drive to Venezuela for gas; Get tubby genius Al Gore to figure it out.
Jay Leno: There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hizballah. But, Hizballah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel. ... Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel's Lexus. So let's sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America. ... Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no. ... Ted Kennedy announced today that because of global warming, he will no longer be doing any flaming Jell-o shots. ... The price of gas continues to go up. To give you an idea how expensive gas is, Keith Olbermann has been car-pooling with Bill O'Reilly all week. ... The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They're putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. ... Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace. ... [Thursday] marked the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba's main export is? Cubans. ... It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
Jay Leno: There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hizballah. But, Hizballah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel. ... Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel's Lexus. So let's sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America. ... Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no. ... Ted Kennedy announced today that because of global warming, he will no longer be doing any flaming Jell-o shots. ... The price of gas continues to go up. To give you an idea how expensive gas is, Keith Olbermann has been car-pooling with Bill O'Reilly all week. ... The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They're putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. ... Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace. ... [Thursday] marked the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba's main export is? Cubans. ... It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
posted by Andy W. Rogers | 5:39 PM
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