Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating At Taco Bell”: Are my affairs in order?; Why is the counter kid wearing a hazmat suit?; Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?; Is this how they poisoned that Russian spy?; Should I go somewhere safer for lunch like Fallujah?; Will this help me meet the recommended E.coli daily requirement?; Wait—when was Taco Bell not tainted with E.coli?

Jay Leno: Hillary Clinton’s making calls, hiring staff and getting ready to travel to Iowa to launch her campaign. She’ll be on the road nonstop for the next two years. How is Bill going to manage stuck home all alone? He’s going to be heartbroken. ... Happy birthday to Senator John Kerry. This is his 63rd birthday. They threw him a surprise party for him. Well, they think he was surprised—with his personality it’s hard to tell. Instead of blowing out the candles he just talked to them until all the life just flickered out. ... According to a UN report, methane gas from cows is more damaging to the environment than automobile emissions. That explains why Al Gore has put on so much weight—he is trying to single-handedly rid the world of cows, one cheeseburger at a time. ... If you think smog is bad here, it’s being reported that the city of Tehran in Iran is having a huge smog problem. Apparently the smog in that city is so bad Iranian scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb they claim they’re not working on. ... Mel Gibson’s new movie “Apocalypto” is the number one movie in the country. It’s about a huge group of people who vanish from Mexico. In fact, the original title was “From Here to Wal-Mart,” but they changed it later. ... Speaking of that, a man shopping in a Wal-Mart in Oklahoma found a plastic bag of cocaine on one of its shelves. Here’s the interesting part, it was marked down to $1.35. They really do have low prices. ... No one can figure out how it got there. They are now saying that they don’t believe the cocaine belonged to an employee because nobody working at Wal-mart can afford cocaine. In fact, one elderly greeter said, “The wife and I can barely afford a hit of crystal meth on the weekends.”