U.S. Sends Surge of Homicidal Astronauts to Iraq :-)
The Borowitz Report
In its latest bid to shore up the security situation in Iraq’s war-torn capital city, the United States today sent a surge of 20,000 love-spurned astronauts to Baghdad.
With President Bush’s plan to send additional troops to Iraq coming under fire by both Democrats and Republicans in Congress, the decision to send thousands of homicidal space men and women to Baghdad seemed to be the best way to break the logjam, said Gen. David Petraeus.
“If those insurgents think they are winning the fight with us, wait until they see these homicidal astronauts coming over the horizon,” said Gen. Petraeus, who took over responsibility for U.S. forces in Iraq on Saturday. “Hell hath no fury like an astronaut scorned.”
Gen. Petraeus said that the bloodthirsty astronauts would arrive in Baghdad armed with pepper spray, mallets, and rubber tubing, “and they’re not afraid to use them.”
Just hours after the announcement, Iraqi insurgents were reportedly panicking at the thought that 20,000 homicidal astronauts were on their way to Baghdad.
The insurgents were said to be pondering a number of measures to combat the surge, including stocking up on mallets and rubber tubing of their own.
According to one report on the Arabic language Al-Jazeera network, the insurgents were also considering obtaining a restraining order against the astronauts.
For his part, Gen. Petraeus was confident that the homicidal astronauts would outlast the insurgents: “We’ll be wearing diapers, and they won’t.”
Elsewhere, according to a new survey released today, one out of every four American men now claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.