Thursday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Messages on Al Gore’s Answering Machine”: Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card; George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy; It’s Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business; Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns; This is Hillary. If you run for President, I’ll snap your neck; I’m calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You’re just sweating because you’re getting fat; This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?

“Top Questions President Bush Asked the Dalai Lama”: What is that, some kind of Halloween get up?; I got one for you—why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?; Where’s Mrs. Lama?; Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?; How’s business in Dollywood?; I know your cousin Barack O’Lama.

Jay Leno: Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? And he did it without a single vote from Florida. ... Now that he’s won the Nobel Prize, Al Gore has a huge, international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad—today he stepped onto that platform and it collapsed. ... A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling. ... Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning. ... The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government of Mexico called it a hate crime. ... China is outraged that we would honor the Dalai Lama at the White House. I hope they don’t try to get back at us—you know, maybe put lead in our toys or antifreeze in our toothpaste.