Wednesday Funnies :-)

Jay Leno: Hey, anybody see the new $5 bill that just came out? The Treasury has taken steps to discourage counterfeiters, such as making it worth less than a dollar. ... According to the latest polls, John McCain now in a double-digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency. ... According to a new CNN poll, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here’s the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot. ... In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain’s Social Security number. You know what it is? Three. ... Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn’t even in the room at the time the statements were being made. ... Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire. Who would have guessed Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain? ... Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she landed under gunfire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. ... She now admits there weren’t any snipers. And today Bill Clinton said, “Hey, if I would have known there weren’t any snipers, I would not have sent her there in the first place.”