Thursday Funnies

David Letterman... "Top Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent": Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a 737, right?"; The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on Amtrak; Reserves you a great package for seven days and two nights; Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines"; Looks at you funny after hearing there's a "South" America; "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders; No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.

Jay Leno... The space shuttle discovery left California [last week]. It's been here since it landed [two] weeks ago. They say it will cost one million dollars to transport the shuttle back to Florida. A million dollars! So, apparently they are driving it back! ... Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they're feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that's a good idea? It's only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a 7-Eleven in Leningrad. ... [President Clinton] is 59 years old. Hillary gave him a surprise birthday party. Well, actually, Bill was having a party—then Hillary walked in and said, "Surprise!" ... Eight cities in Texas are competing with each other to be the location for the George Bush Library. It's BYOB—bring your own books. ... President Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now—six more weeks of vacation!