Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman: "Top George W. Bush New Year's Resolutions": Fewer decisions based on wild, drunken hunches; Have NSA find out what really happened between Nick and Jessica; Stop using Situation Room monitors to play X-Box 360; More C-SPAN, less "Yes, Dear"; Team up with leading scientists to make Cheetos even cheesier; To capture and bring to justice King Kong; Beat the twins at beer pong; Who needs resolutions? Everything is fine!

Jay Leno: The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results! Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan. ... Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called "global warming." ... The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings. ... A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. [The] guy's a congressional press secretary [and] police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah—Congress. ... Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say "Merry Christmas." It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English. ... Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would be the French army.