Wednesday Funnies... :-)

David Letterman: "Top Signs Gas Is Expensive": It's so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn; It's so expensive, mobsters are dousing snitches with olive oil; It's so expensive, Domino's only delivers within walking distance; It's so expensive, moviegoers flock to "RV" just to see someone driving; It's so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded; It's so expensive, you're actually willing to car pool with Regis; It's so expensive, Starbucks is selling Gasaccino.

Jay Leno: Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else. ... At the last minute, Mexican President Vincente Fox changed his mind and announced that he will not sign a bill legalizing marijuana, cocaine and heroin. The Mexican Congress passed it, but he said that he will not sign it. He's worried about too many Americans sneaking across his border. ... Ted Kennedy's son, Congressman Patrick Kennedy, crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at three o'clock in the morning. The head of Kennedy's office said no alcohol was involved. Well, that's why it's a huge story—a Kennedy in a car accident with no alcohol? That's never happened before. ... Did you hear his excuse for hitting the barrier? He said he had to swerve to avoid hitting Ted Kennedy who was crawling home. I guess the apple doesn't stagger too far from the tree. ... As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. He said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." ... Kennedy has checked himself into a drug rehab clinic. He gets that 25% Kennedy family discount. Just mention "Ted" at the door and your right in.