Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: "Top Surprises in ABC's Bird Flu Movie": Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper; Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons; 20% of population comes down with less dangerous "bird hiccups"; Every time someone says, "chicken," all the characters chug a beer; Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital; The big villain? Larry Bird; Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem; Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O'Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth.

Jay Leno: I signed up for a great new calling plan today—that "NSA Friends and Family" plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and family. ... President Bush says this secret plan is strictly targeting terrorists. Forgot terrorists, how about targeting telemarketers? Then we would go along with it. ... President Bush is proposing sending 6,000 National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as his calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." ... In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system. ... With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ... The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. Among other things, the Iranian president attacked Bush's policies, said democracy was a failure, and claimed America is hated all over the world. He ended the letter by calling America the "Great Satan," but other than that it was a nice letter. At least they're talking and I think that's important. ... Turns out, [though,] it's a chain letter. Now Bush now has to send to ten other world leaders. Or there's some kind of curse.