IN BID FOR AMNESTY, DeLAY BECOMES IRAQI INSURGENT

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Former Texas Lawmaker Changes Name to Hassan El-Medfaai

The Borowitz Report

Just days after Iraqi Prime Minister Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki announced a sweeping plan that would offer amnesty to members of the Iraqi insurgency, former Texas congressman Tom DeLay announced that he would become an Iraqi insurgent.

Mr. DeLay, who is under indictment in state court on money-laundering and conspiracy charges, said at a Houston press conference today that he had put the legal gears into motion to attain Iraqi insurgent status.

"On my 2006 tax returns, my occupation will be listed as 'insurgent,' and my name will be legally changed to Hassan El-Medfaai," Mr. DeLay said, adding, "Death to America."

Mr. DeLay's legal advisors seem confident that by changing his legal status to that of an Iraqi insurgent he will be entitled to amnesty from all of the criminal charges he currently faces in Texas.

But in order to become an insurgent, Mr. DeLay faces an immediately hurdle which may prove difficult to surmount: convincing the Iraqi insurgency that he deserves to be a member.

In Basra, the National Coalition of Iraqi Insurgents, a trade association representing over 250,000 Iraqi insurgents, met in an emergency session today to discuss Mr. DeLay's bid for membership in the insurgency.

At the conclusion of the all-day session, however, a spokesman for the group gave the former Texas congressman a resounding thumbs-down.

"As Iraqi insurgents, we have certain ethical standards that we abide by," said a spokesman for the insurgents' group. "Unfortunately, Tom DeLay falls far below those standards."