Bush Strips Libby of Nickname :-)

President: ‘I Hardly Knew the Man’

The Borowitz Report

Just hours after Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief of staff I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby was found guilty in his trial relating to the CIA leak scandal, Mr. Libby suffered another setback as President George W. Bush officially stripped him of his nickname in a somber White House ceremony.

“Scooter Libby, you are Scooter Libby no more,” Mr. Bush declared, to the applause of Mr. Cheney and top White House aides. “You are now just plain old I. Lewis Libby.”

Mr. Bush told reporters that he decided to strip Mr. Libby of his nickname because “I hardly knew the man.”

Referring to Mr. Libby’s trial, Mr. Bush said, “Just like Lewis Libby can’t remember anything he did in the five years he worked here, I can’t remember him working here at all.”

White House spokesman Tony Snow said that Mr. Libby’s former nickname, Scooter, would likely be reassigned to someone else in the upper echelon of the administration.

“We may start calling Postmaster General John E. Potter ‘Scooter’ Potter,’” Mr. Snow said. “It’s a good nickname for the Postmaster General because it makes him sound all speedy and all.”

For his part, Mr. Libby was philosophical about being convicted on four out of five counts in his perjury trial, telling reporters, “One out of five ain’t bad.”

“This verdict means that I was telling the truth twenty percent of the time,” Mr. Libby said. “That’s still way above average for this administration.”

Elsewhere, a lunar eclipse occurred over the weekend when former Vice President Al Gore briefly stepped in front of the moon.