Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top Signs You’re Watching a Bad Presidential Debate”: Candidates allowed three minutes to answer, two minutes for rebuttal and one minute to make balloon animals; Takes its questions exclusively from Trivial Pursuit: Disney Edition; Rebuttals consist of nothing but “Yo mama” jokes; They need to ask 5th graders to help them with the questions; Candidates are each allowed to “phone a friend”; Debate drags on so long Giuliani is divorced and re-married twice; Moderator Ryan Seacrest keeps flashing the text number to vote; Hillary Clinton cannot answer health care questions but wins $500,000 by picking the correct briefcase.

Jay Leno: As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves “Allstate.” Maybe they should change their name to “Some-states.” ... The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes. ... Mitt Romney, speaking about his Mormon religion, said that he can’t imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can’t imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave a rebuttal. ... Barack Obama’s wife Michelle has been out there campaigning for her husband and she praised her husband for having a “moral compass.” In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, “Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?” ... According to the latest poll, President Bush’s approval rating has reached a new low of 28 percent. His ratings are so low, today he was named an honorary member of the NBC Primetime Family. ... The President said today he would go along with Congress’ request to establish benchmarks regarding Iraq. For example, the Iraqi government would have to show results by certain dates before they are given any more money. Forget Iraq. Why don’t we try that here?