Wednesday Funnies

David Letterman... "Top Ways CBS News Can Attract Younger Viewers": Interviews start with, "Sup, dawg?"; Something bad happens in the world, anchor does a shot; Make "60 Minutes" stopwatch digital; Less about fighting in Middle East, more about fighting between Nick and Jessica; Spell news with a "Z" —The kids eat up crap like that; Get a drunk weatherman like "The Today Show"; Anchor must deliver the news while fighting off a rattlesnake; Less frontin', more straight out trippin.

Jay Leno... What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? "Pardon me." ... President Bush outlined the U.S. government's plan to fight a "bird flu outbreak." Apparently the plan is to attack the flu over there in Iraq, before it attacks us here. In fact, you know what he is calling his bird flu attack [plan]? "Flock and awe." ... Here's the good news, yesterday President Bush announced his plan to fight the bird flu. The bad news? There's only enough doses for the Red States. ... All this news about bird flu starting to scare you? Makes you miss the good old days of mad cow disease. ... In yesterday's election the city of Denver voted to legalize marijuana possession. Fifty-three percent approve of marijuana. Boy, how does that make Bush feel? He's forty percent behind pot now. ... Just when you thought things couldn't get uglier at the White House—yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla showed up. ... Well, a poll in USA Today says 59 percent of Americans are not at all interested that Prince Charles is here visiting. Why should we be interested? Another foreigner without a job coming to America.