Foley's 'No Congressional Page Left Behind' Bill Faces Uphill Struggle in the House :-)

Last Official Act of Embattled Lawmaker

The Borowitz Report

House Republicans were in a quandary today as to how to handle a controversial new bill entitled "No Congressional Page Left Behind" proposed by Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla) in the hours before his resignation on Friday.

Mr. Foley's bill, which mandates "close oversight" of congressional pages by House members, could become a proverbial hot potato for Republican lawmakers with only weeks to go before the midterm elections.

Mr. Foley took to the floor of the House Friday morning to make an impassioned plea for the bill, which would put House members in "constant contact" with congressional pages using such technology as emails, instant messages, and private chat rooms.

"The time has come for us as legislators to take congressional pages under our wings," an emotional Mr. Foley said from the House floor. "And that means all congressional pages, not just the 16-year-olds with hot bodies."

Saying that the welfare of the congressional pages was foremost in his mind, he added, "This law would enable us to know how they are doing, and what they are wearing, at all times."

In the hours after his resignation, speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said it was "unlikely" that Mr. Foley's "No Congressional Page Left Behind" bill would become a law.

"As House Republicans, we don't want to touch Mark Foley with a ten-foot pole," Mr. Hastert said. "Even though he'd probably enjoy that."