Wednesday Funnies :-)

David Letterman: “Top John Kerry Excuses”: Lightheaded from too much Botox; Hasn’t been himself since he heard Bob Barker is retiring; Just displaying that famous wit that cost him the 2004 election; Hoped saying something really stupid would make him seem more presidential; Too much Halloween candy; Relax, the election is months away; On the advice of his friend Mel Gibson, he’s blaming it on the Jews.

Jay Leno: John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, “What? People are listening to my speeches?” ... As you know, John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. On the other hand, those who don’t campaign well and are really boring will get stuck in the Senate. ... Kerry personally apologized to any service members who were offended by what he said. Kerry said he was drunk at the time and he’s going to enter rehab. ... It’s so hard to believe Kerry botched a joke because he’s usually just so hilarious. ... It’s hard to tell when Kerry is joking because of all the Botox. ... Who would have ever thought that the Democrats would miss the wit and charisma of Al Gore? ... There was a huge accident today. Apparently a bunch of Republican candidates trying to distance themselves from President Bush ran into a bunch of Democrat candidates trying to distance themselves from John Kerry. They just collided in the middle. It was gruesome. ... Last night I answered the door and kid says, “Trick or treat!” I said, “Trick or treat? Aren’t you a few days late?” Then he responded, “No, I’m dressed as a FEMA worker.”